Germany Will Have to Do it Without Löw

Germany will take on Portugal today without a rather key element: their coach.

Official word on Jogi Löw’s punishment came down yesterday: A one-match ban after Monday’s ejection for arguing with the fourth official and Austrian coach Josef Hickersberger. (Hickersberger also faces a ban, but since Austria’s out, it will probably be served when they start World Cup qualifying.)

The ban for Loew, who stood toe-to-toe with the fourth official before referee Manuel Mejuto Gonzalez sent him from the field, prevents him from having any contact with his players from the moment they arrive at the stadium until after the match.

He isn’t allowed to sit on the bench, have a radio link to his assistants, give a pre-match talk or visit the changing rooms at halftime.

My guess would be that the official ban also mentions cellphones. Otherwise we’d have a rather large loophole that might kind of defeat the purpose.

Low’s assistant, Hansi Flick, will carry out coaching duties.

I wonder if they have ban monitors, to make sure they don’t try any kind of sneak communication. Are they going to pat down Herr Flick, to make sure he doesn’t have any kind of receiver-type device, similar to the one that George Bush was so not wearing in the 2004 debate?

Do they make Jogi sit out of sight range, so he can’t communicate through some kind of yawn-stretch-nose-scratch kind of code? (”When I reach up with my right hand and scratch my left nostril, that means get Gomez the hell off the field. But left hand, right nostril, slight penetration with a tissue? Ignore that. I’ve got a cold.)

Are they taking away his German flags to keep him from sending semaphore signals?

Enquiring minds want to know.

Interestingly, Portugal coach Luiz Felipe Scolari is not a fan of the Löw ban.

“I would like UEFA to review this punishment and let him stay on the bench tomorrow. I would applaud if UEFA allowed him to coach,” Scolari said. “It’s not my presence or his presence that will make a difference in the game.”

This is a rather refreshing display of sportsmanship.

(And this is completely irrelevant, but isn’t “Hansi Flick” the best name ever in the history of assistant coaching? Especially when you pronounce it with a German accent? Or am I just easily amused and operating on far too little sleep?)