Spain Sizzle in Swissaustria

We’ve spent a fair bit of time ogling the womenfolk of Euro 2008. It’s all part of what makes tournament football so very very joyous.

But to redress the balance a bit, we’ve invited Vanessa from the ever popular Kickette to run the rule over the no doubt lovely looking young men who’ve been competing in Swissaustria. The verdict: Spain rules.

The secret to success in the Euros? Strategic selection of team uniforms and/or squads with high levels of man-candy.

No, really. We objectify footballers for a living. Work with us on this.

We believe that during certain tournaments, the sheer number of pretty players with thunder thighs jammed into one geographical location at the same time can affect the outcome of the competition. This fascinating scientific theory states that attractive individuals in tighter-than-average uniforms who are collectively training, sleeping and showering together are more likely to prevail over their baggy kitted, mugly faced opponents who may or may not have mullets.

Granted, it doesn’t always go according to plan.

The Dutch must have angered the footie gods somehow, because they were certainly on course for the finals on Sunday. Tight, retro-fitted jerseys and shorts a good four inches shorter than any other team? That was a slam dunk trophy situation right there.

The Oranje threw down the gauntlet early, showing their commitment to the cause by rolling around in mud and looking macho for a well-publicized photo shoot in the lead up to the Euros. Someone, somewhere in the Dutch camp must asked for a uniform in a larger size or started to grow a handlebar moustache.

How else can their downfall be explained?

Taking all of the above criteria into consideration, another surprise departure was Croatia. Not just because of hot-ass Niko Kranjcar, Vedran Corluka and the dirty-hot duo of Mladen Petric and Slaven Bilic, but because the Croatian team uniform had, by far, the cutest socks in the entire tournament.

When whimsical Alice-in-Wonderland peppermint candy style leg coverings aren’t enough to win a PK shootout, there’s an extreme force at play. Most likely, Vokan Demirel’s arse-clinging wet shorts and bare chest from the Turkey v Czech Republic game was enough to do the job.


And on to Spain, who are, quite literally in fine form. Their uniforms aren’t as fitted as we would have hoped, so success is down to the Spanish players’ ease at removing their shirts while the cameras are rolling.

See: Torres slip-sliding across the grass (towards the cameramen) at every opportunity, shirt riding high, quadtastically freckled thighs on full show; Sergio Ramos’s admirable refusal to wear base layers and upper torso exposure as quickly as possible after the final whistle; the hottest goal keeper on the pitch, Iker Casillas (who has single-handedly returned the wife-beater to public appreciation and respect); and even Cesc Fabregas, not usually known for his ab-flashes, aired his barely-of-legal-drinking-age pecs to the wind after the semi-final victory against Russia on Thursday.

This is a team that wants it and wants it bad.

Even if Christoph Metzelder shaves his facial hair monstrosity against nature and Michael Ballack breaks out his impressive thigh power and disturbingly pointy nipples, Germany still doesn’t stand a chance.

Viva Espana!

More man-candy from Vanessa and co at Kickette.