Ten Things We Learned At Euro 2008

You can bet on Spain again.

Tis a wonderful thing to have a country oozing skill and technique capable of being considered a worthy contender without the qualifying phrase “but…but…but…it’s Spain!“. It simply makes tournaments that much more scintillating and victory for the winners (if not Spain) that much more delicious.

Now, if only Lichtenstein would get its fucking act together.

Michael Ballack is the new Spain

Epic talent whipped together in a rich mousse with chronic underachievement. There’s far too much stock put into individuals winning or losing tournaments – after all, Ballack didn’t slam on the brakes allowing Fernando Torres to squeak by in the passing lane on his way to the finish line – but his penchant for coming in a consistent bridesmaid is both a little curious and enormously shitty.

Costing your team the trophy won’t get you thrown off the official Team of the Tourney.

I like Philipp Lahm. But what the hell he was doing on the official UEFA Team of the Tourney couldn’t be explained by the bastardized lovechild of Albert Einstein and Marie Curie. Positively baked for two Turkish goals before failing to recognize a steaming Fernando Torres from behind, allowing the “1″ in a 1-0 final loss. Graeme Souness must have chaired the selection committee.

Clearly Sergio Ramos’s hair was the better choice.

Defense wins championships….but not THAT much defense.

Greece and Romania rolled in the champions of anti-football and rolled out on their shields before the group stages were over. Italy forgot to make a plan B for the comatose giant, Luca Toni, and went hard luck in the penalties. Russia was so caught up in attempting to thwart Spain’s attack that it forgot what to do in the Spanish final third and became as ineffective on the attack as Italy. Little bit of efficient offense every once in a while does absolute wonders.

One last time before we give it a deservedly agonizing death…..Euro 2008 is No Country For Old Men.

One can feel the canned cheese just dripping off that line while typing – but it really is true. France and Sweden never really got it going, which is totally understandable if you’ve ever tried to run in adult diapers. Italy started the oldest team ever against the Dutch and had to inject some youth to move beyond the groups. This ain’t your father’s game, so don’t bring your father’s team.

(I vote a team with absolutely no chance in 2010 or 2012 says fuck it and calls up the U-21 squad.)

Still waiting for Lahm to scream “I’VE ABANDONED MY BOY!“, though.

Bayern Munich is cursed.

Luca Toni: Dropped 390+ minutes of turd.
Miroslav Klose: Did you know he was replaced for 60 minutes of the final with a life-sized cardboard cutout?
Franck Ribery: Ankle injury, 6 weeks down the tube in France’s do or die game.
Philipp Lahm: Not trying to pick on him, I swear, but…UGH.
Marcell Jansen: Benched after the loss to Croatia only to be brought on in the second half of the final because the other Bayern leftback had a ginormous brain fart.
Lukas Podolski: Can we even say he “plays” for Bayern? Eight Bundesliga starts all year and he was one of Germany’s best player. D’oh.
Bastian Schweinsteiger: Alright alright. He was good and plays for Bayern. Not a total loss. Plus he wins the award for Best Introduction Of A WAG Who Instinctively Knows How To Find The Camera.

Now if Mario Gomez joins Bayern, I think we can all call his international career cooked at 14 caps. That is, unless he and Podolski become bench buddies next year under Jurgen. Then he’ll have a chance.

Being a host doesn’t mean jack….

….unless you’re good. Yes, Switzerland had some hard luck and Austria played well above its expected levels, but Austria scored a whole one goal off a PK resulting in one point and Switzerland was unceremoniously dumped from what could be considered the weakest group going in.

So for the first time, um, ever, at least one host did not make the semifinals. Let this serve as a warning to South Africa in 2010 and whoever the hell is deemed worthy to put on the show in 2010….unless they hire Guus Hiddink.

Technology is a must.

The game will stay the same, but they absolutely have to figure out a way to eliminate some of the human error in the game. Human error which was fairly astounding throughout and dictated the outcome of a few games. Penalties and offside goals, either disallowed when good or good when not, are the two points of greatest concern. That and some refs with 20/20 vision at best.

The Portuguese National team will now be known as Cristiano Ronaldo & Friends.

This was supposed to be Cristiano Ronaldo’s tournament coming off his splendid season. All that individual talent in a team featuring more great talent. The hype was enormous. The hype was unfulfilled. Well, at least according to the masses.

“It wasn’t that I played badly, it was because my team-mates didn’t play according to the plan,” was the 23-year-old’s assessment of the German loss.

I wonder whether the plan was the one he’d envisioned (passing the ball to him every time Portugal gained possession), which they didn’t follow, or the one which Big Phil schemed up, which they did. Probably the former.

After a tournament that was anything but indicative of a player about to win the Ballon D’Or, one would think some humility is in order for Cristiano. Not to be. Proving once again his class resides solely in his feet.

The European Championships aren’t the World Cup.

This wasn’t exactly a new revelation, but the differences are clear. There is nothing in professional sport which matches the celebration and quality of the World Cup. From the players to the fans, everything is heightened. But the Euros are a nice little teaser in between.

Til 2010…..