The (Less Boring) Tie-Breaks We’d Use to Settle the Group Stages

Have you checked out the rules that determine which team goes through in the event of a tie?

Bo-Ring. (Actual criteria are listed at the bottom of the post.) And did you know that, according to these rules, there’s a chance that Italy and France might have a penalty shootout today? For THIRD place in the group! Can you say, “pointless“?

That is why we at World Cup Blog have come up with alternative tiebreaks that would make the process fun for fans and neutrals alike. Pick your favorite in the comments.

1. Coaches’ duel. Pistols at fifty paces. If both coaches manage to get a shot off, the last one to expire wins. (This would be particularly good for France and Italy if Romania goes through, because it would save their FAs from having to go through the nasty business of firing them.)

In the case of Italy’s Donadoni and France’s Domenech… Well, my money’s on Domenech. But Donadoni’s a tough old bird as well, so expect him to get a shot off before he goes. But Domenech would hold out a few minutes longer to win, just out of spite. Expect his last words to be, “I should’ve…picked…some Scorpios….”

2. Consonant-to-vowel ratio.
In players’ names, highest average number of consonants relative to vowels wins. This is, of course, a blatant gimme to Poland. (Wawrzyniak, anyone?) But Sweden throws in all those extra S’s, (Larsson, Hansson, etc.) so they’d look good to go through as well.

3. Crossbar challenge.
Because we had to throw in one that was actually related to game skills.

4. Team facial hair challenge.
Points for sideburns (based on width), mustaches, beards, etc. Style points for creativity. Having Kevin Kuranyi (pictured) on your team is an automatic pass to the next round.

5. Total transfer value of team.
I believe that this is the sole reason Raymond Domenech named Nicolas Anelka to the France team. Unless we’re talking current transfer value, which has not been helped by this tournament.

6. WAG catfight.
(For the record, all of these ideas came from an all-editor chat yesterday. Ian, Chris, Daryl and me. I don’t think this one was my idea.)

Each team picks a WAG, and we put them in a ring together. Jell-o optional.
Ground rules:

• Maximum acrylic nail length, 1 inch.
• Maximum heel height, 5 inches
• Shoes must remain on feet at all times
• Maximum handbag size, 18″x24″
• Maximum handbag weight, 2 lbs. No rocks, bricks, or moisturizer bottles heavier than six ounces.
• It is highly recommended that hair extensions be removed before entering the ring.

Last one standing wins.

We think these are a lot better than the actual tiebreak criteria, shown here:

Tie-breaking criteria
According to the official UEFA rules for the tournament[13], the following tie-breaking criteria will apply, in this order, should two or more teams from the same group finish with an equal number of points. In keeping with previous European championships, the head to head record between the tied teams takes precedence over goal difference.

1. Number of points earned in matches between the teams in question;
2. Goal difference in matches between the teams in question;
3. Goals scored in matches between the teams in question;
4. Goal difference in all group matches;
5. Goals scored in all group matches;
6. In cases where exactly two teams are equal in all previously listed critera and play one another to a draw in their final group match, kicks from the penalty mark will be conducted in lieu of the remaining criteria;
7. Coefficient from the qualifying competitions for the 2006 FIFA World Cup and 2006/08 UEFA European Football Championship (points obtained divided by the number of matches played);
8. Fair play conduct of the teams in the group stage;
9. Drawing of lots.