Who Loves Meaningless Statistics?

I love the plethora of absurdly unnecessary yet strangely intriguing analysis which pops up whenever a big tournament comes around. Stuff such as “how many players don’t know their national anthems” and the like.

The number crunchers at Raiffeisen Research in Austria have done so. Like did you know Czechs drink the most beer annually with 160 litres per capita? I didn’t know that. I didn’t need to know that. But for some reason, I’m glad I know that. And this is the second tournament in a row they’ve taken home the honor (look at the things you learn in researching posts - wondrous, it is). Czechs are a bunch of booze bags, got it.

Did you also know Romania has the fastest growing GDP of all the countries participating in the tournament, at an annual increase of 5.5%? See, there’s a trivia question out there waiting for you to answer it now.

Unfortunately navigating the Interwebs to find the actual 1-16 rankings is difficult, and we’re at the mercy of a Romanian website for these statistics which I absolutely need to know. Like who drinks the least amount of beer per capita? And does that typically comply with a fast-rising GDP because more people are working to make some scrilla than waking up naked on their friend’s couch with vulgar sayings plastered on their face? See, I need to know this stuff.

They also give us the “value” of the national teams - no clue as to how they assessed the pricetag. The actualy Romanian national team is valued at 87.2m, but the value of all the players reaches 223.73m. So if I scrape up 87.2m in the cushions of my couch, I can buy the Romanian national football team? Sweet.

The top 3 teams by “player value” are:

1. Spain 376.5m
2. Italy 369.5m
3. France 368m

Sure, why not?

But Raiffeisen also gave some important info, like making watching the tournament unnecessary. Why? Because the Czech Republic is going to win it all. To be more specific, they’re going to play through regulation and extra time with Spain to a nil-nil draw and then beat them 5-3 on penos (Cech > Iker, apparently).

The more beer you drink, the better chance your team has of winning the Euros, I guess. The news just gets worse by the day for England, doesn’t it?